Why We Babywear.

I have learned from my husband that in conflict or difficulty, just like in good times, we always turn towards each other, not away from each other, and so it made sense to me to apply the same principle to our son. Especially as a baby who came into the world having spent the first 9-10 months of his existence inside of me, never experiencing hunger, or cold or pain or loneliness… The world can be a scary place for a baby coming from a dark, quiet environment where every need is fully met.

So we ‘fall towards’ Kai. We always respond to his cries, we share a bed with him, we keep him close…

It’s challenging. It’s demanding. It’s maddening when there are other things that also need to be done but all Kai wants is to be held. Enter Babywearing. 

Long before Kai was born, I came across various babywearing groups on Facebook, became acquainted with the Indian brands available and studied longingly at all the amazing wrap jobs that mamas  were posting of themselves with blissfully sleeping babies on their fronts or backs. There was a lot of talk about “sleepy dust” and the thrill of being able to do stuff with both your hands while carrying a baby.

I worried a little that perhaps every baby doesn’t take to babywearing as easily and maybe ours wouldn’t but I was determined to start trying as early as possible. I started researching different types of carriers, materials, brands, cost, etc and began investing in our ‘stash’. By the time Kai was born I had two ring slings from Soul, one cotton-silk woven wrap from Almitra, one 100% cotton woven wrap from Yaro Slings, one more 100% cotton woven wrap that I received in exchange for a shoot from Soul and one soft-structured hybrid carrier (SSC) from Emeibaby because you can use these from birth and I thought my husband would be most comfortable in an SSC (Turns out I was wrong about my husband’s preference! But my mum did use the SSC a couple of times and in those early days, it gave me at least an hour’s time to go out while Kai snoozed on his ‘Didu’.)

My first time wrapping K in our Cotton/Silk blend from Almitra Tattva

I first tried to wear Kai in a ring sling approximately 18 hours after he was born and I failed miserably. I found it difficult to adjust and clumsy so I gave up and brought out my Almitra and wrapped Kai up in a Front Wrap Cross Carry (FWCC) like I had practiced with a stuffed dog a couple of times while I was pregnant! I loved it. We’ve worn Kai pretty much every single day since then. I taught Robert how to wrap too and he’s pretty much an expert at the FWCC and given a choice between the different carriers, he will always choose a wrap. (Once he finds a comfort zone with one thing, he can sometime be a little stubborn to try anything else!) I rotate between our three wraps and eventually gave my ring-slings another go after reading a few tips on how to work them and now absolutely LOVE the convenience of quick ups in the ring sling and use them everyday. I’m also growing to love our Emeibaby and know we’re going to get a lot of use out of it. Wraps are still my favourite though. They are versatile and I find wrapping to be the most supportive for me and most comfortable and snug for Kai. We are now working on perfecting our back carries.

First backcarry in a Size 4 Soul ‘Maze’ Wrap that we got to try in Soul’s Traveling Carrier Program

So why have a baby tied on to you all day long? Doesn’t it make them more clingy and dependent on you?

If babywearing makes him more dependent on me, I’m actually okay with that. I want Kai to know that he can depend on me. I will comfort him when he’s sleepy or cranky or tired or he just wants to be held close. I know he is only going to be this little for a very short period of time in the grand scheme of things and honestly it really does make our life a lot easier. On days when Kai is having a meltdown and unable to stop crying, I carry him around, bounce him until I’m achy and then think,”let me try wearing him” and within a few minutes, he’s asleep. On those days, I mentally kick myself for not having worn him at the onset of the meltdown and possibly saved us both a lot of grief! There are days when the house is a mess and no one is around to help and Kai won’t have anything to do with being put down, I wrap him on my back and do the dishes, or mop the floors or finish the laundry and Kai is perfectly happy because he’s close to Mama and he can watch what I’m doing. And of course, given the sorry state of our roads and sidewalks in Mumbai, babywearing is the easiest way for us to take our walks or go out.

There’s research to show that babies who are worn cry a lot less, are more organized, learn more… the benefits seem to be endless. Personally, babywearing really helped me to bond with K in the early days as I was healing from the birth and had my bouts of the postpartum blues that is so common amongst new mamas. I recommend that every parent at least gives it a try and, honestly, for the babywearing community, it’s an exciting time in India with brands scaling higher and higher limits with quality babywearing products, organising meets in cities all over the country, travelling carrier programmes and more. So…what’s stopping you?

Beach time in a 100% cotton Soul ‘Maze’ Ring Sling that we got to try in Soul Traveling Carrier Program

Afternoon nap in our Soul ‘Full Moon’ Ring Sling. 100% Cotton, Ikat fabric.

There’s a hundred ways to tie a wrap! Semi FWCC with a Poppins Finish in our Soul ‘Sweet Lime’ 100% Cotton Jacquard Wrap.

#WorldBreastfeedingWeek2016: Keep Calm and Nurse On.

Last year, I had the honour of doing a mini-breastfeeding shoot and interview with the lovely Aloka of Wholesome Mamma on the blog for World Breastfeeding Week. This year, my hands are full with my own little milky face so I haven’t been able to do another shoot but I did put on some nice clothes (i.e. other than the PJs that I am living in most of the time these days!) and set up the camera for my husband to take a few photos of Kai and I breastfeeding and thought I’d share a little bit about our journey of breastfeeding so far.

Even though I educated myself  – reading books, online forums and learning from other mamas – before Kai was born, it wasn’t smooth sailing for us from the get-go. Our first days were extremely painful for me and seemed to be really stressful for Kai. BUT, because I knew that this was not normal, I knew to seek help as quickly as possible. I knew that some pain in the early days is normal at the start of a session but not throughout a session. If there’s pain throughout a session of breastfeeding, it’s most likely a case of improper latching and so I tried and tried to correct our latch in every way I knew how, taking advice from friends and our midwives and yet the pain didn’t subside. Along with the pain in my perineum from the birth and exhaustion, having a painful breastfeeding experience was frustrating to say the least and something that I really wasn’t expecting. We had a homebirth, no interventions that might have affected our breastfeeding relationship, plenty of skin-to-skin time right after the birth, our latch was as good as possible so why was I in so much pain?

The early days – at 4 days and 11 days of life

We decided to refer to an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) and after examining Kai, she showed us how Kai had a tongue-tie that was restricting his ability to latch on correctly. After doing our own research and seeking advice from our friends and family, we decided to have Kai’s tongue-tie snipped in a very quick laser procedure. The surgery, while very quick and painless was really difficult to watch. Robert had to hold Kai down while his mouth was held open and the procedure done and he screamed his way through it – not because it was painful but simply because it was so uncomfortable and obviously scary for him. The evening of the surgery, he cried like we’d never heard him cry before and all we could do was hold him close and let him get it out of his system. By the next day, he was okay but it still took us a good few weeks before we finally were comfortable breastfeeding and now everyday is better than the last. We are slowly but surely becoming experts and I have even nursed him in public spaces a couple of times – a truly liberating experience!

So while breastfeeding is totally normal and is the natural progression from nurturing your baby in the womb to nurturing him after birth, sometimes you might come across some hurdles and here’s my twopence for new mama’s:

1. The time to learn about breastfeeding is during pregnancy or even before, not after the birth. If you are in India, there’s an incredible Facebook forum called Breastfeeding Support for Indian Mothers where you can learn so much from your peers. I would also highly recommend reading La Leche League’s book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. If you read only one book during pregnancy, let this be the one.

2. Be prepared to seek professional help and be sure to budget for this contingency in advance so it does not cause any stress. Birth India has a service directory that you can refer to for IBCLCs and other Breastfeeding Support Professionals in your location.

3. Do not panic. Clichéd as it may sound, trust your body. Just think about how it grew a small human being with eyebrows and everything. This body won’t suddenly give up on you. Trust it. Keep calm, keep close to your baby and keep latching on.

4. Interventions during birth can interfere with breastfeeding so be aware of these consequences. Your care provider may not educate you on this so do your research.

5. Many hospitals in Indian cities unfortunately are formula pushers. If you give birth in a hospital, insist on skin-to-skin right after the birth and don’t give in to the ‘top-up trap’. “Your baby is hungry,” they will say. “Your milk hasn’t come in,” they will say. In the first few days, you will produce colostrum. It will not be much but it will be enough and your baby really needs this incredible few drops of life-altering fluid. Breastfeeding works by demand and supply, and ‘top-ups’ or ‘supplements’ mess with that system.

6. One of the best decisions I think that Robert and I took was give ourselves some alone time right after Kai was born. We loved this intimate time that we had as a family, getting to know Kai and figuring out this whole new life. If we struggled with breastfeeding, there weren’t a million voices or opinions around me to confuse things. There was quiet for me to listen to my instincts. There was privacy to be skin-to-skin with Kai if we needed it. It was blissful and I would recommend this to everyone. Of course, when my parents and Robert’s mum came to visit was blissful too but by then Kai and I were in sync with each other to a large extent and I really think that the alone time we had together in the first few weeks helped to establish that.

7. I’m going to just quote Aloka on this last point because it gave me so much comfort and I often go back to it:
   

Babies come with instincts from the stone ages. They come rooting for the breast every time they feel hungry, upset, lonely, scared, or just want to be with mom. It doesn’t mean you have any issues with supply. Just lie down, put your feet up and nurse your baby. Know that taking care of a tiny baby is a huge job and everything else can wait.

Water and Birth in Mumbai

This is the story of our son’s birth from the perspective of my husband, Robert D Stephens. 

18 May 2016

This is a story of water and birth.

Bombay has always struggled with water. Getting clean water in, and getting dirty water out – these basics have proven the bane of millions for more than three centuries. An 1852 document entitled “Report on the Water Supply of Bombay City” details nearly a dozens infrastructure plans proposed to solve the cities water problems. The vast majority of proposals, and certainly all of the schemes that were executed, relied on some form of imported mechanics from Europe – the latest and greatest of a finite man’s imagination – and an efficient system for moving a precious resource from one point to another. But what if, in the race for efficiency (and profit), the value of the unseen, the spiritual, and the value of individual ideals is washed away?

We shall return to the water shortly (even if the water shall not return to us).

Bombay is struggling with birth. When we found out Tina was pregnant, we searched for midwives in Mumbai. Surely, in a city of 20 million people, there would be a few dozen midwives? We found 3. And last night, in a kiddie swimming pool in the living room of our 500 square foot rented flat, we welcomed Kairav Stephens into the world after 19 hours of labour. Unfortunately, the midwives will be leaving Mumbai by the end of this July which means, to the best of our knowledge, Kairav will have been the last Mumbai homebirth assisted by midwives for the forseeable future. And what a farewell it was!

Kairav and Tina began their journey together yesterday at 4.30 am. Gentle to moderate surges welcomed the early morning sunrise, and by 5 am Tina was having surges every 15 to 20 minutes. Kairav was on the move.

So, coming back…..10.30 am midwife arrives. I’m ready to go. I’m ready to hear Tina talk about the surges she is having. Common….lets goo….!!!!! Midwife comes in, sits on the couch, and says “You know, I know a couple that lives the next building over, I think y’all would make really great friends…he or she does X,Y,Z…” and she goes on to explain their jobs and interests, while I hear “blah blah blah blah blah.” Excuse me….We have better things to talk about!

But of course, like a good and experienced midwife, she is setting a pace, she is supporting the natural setting in which Tina has aspired to give birth. I’m ready to fire the rocketship and take off for the sprint. The midwife is drinking lots of fluids for the marathon. I mentally realize my flaw and release gratitude hormones throughout my body for having such wise care providers. What better way to live out one of the most meaningful days of one’s life.

We did, after 15 minutes, get around to talking about the surges. Midwife madam listens, nods, and then says, OK, sounds good. Give me a call if you need anything, I’ll be at home. And off she goes.

In the midst of our midwife chat, a prospective cook arrives. Tina loves cooking. She has a huge mancrush on Michael Pollan (me = jealous…..jealous….jealous…..) And I love that because in addition to eating good food, it means Tina has really fixed me up in terms of my nutrition. I don’t get sick near as much as I used to. And generally, I feel better in my physical being. Perhaps it is because of Tina’s love for good wholesome (as much organic as possible) food, that Kairav is, thus far, chak-a-chak healthy. No internal checkups, no ultrasounds, no medical supplements. Just good wholesome food for years before conceiving, good food during pregnancy, and cast iron cookingware. Tina’s iron levels were HUGE…. over 12 or something like that – as a layman I understood that to be HUGE.

So the cook arrives. We like her. We chat. We finalize salary. When can you start? Right now? Yes….right now. Great! Thanks so much. And into the kitchen she goes. Little did we know, had she not come that morning, we would not have had such lovely food to eat that afternoon and today, when we needed it the most. Thank you God for your providing for us, and knowing every detail of our lives!

Midwife leaves. Cook cooks. Tina surges. Mucus plug comes out. I hold her. I press her back. I let her know that she is doing wonderfully. Tina is an introvert, and I’m a moderate extrovert who is discovering and accentuating my introverted qualities thanks to Tina, so that means we find joy in whispering to one another. Others often tell us to speak up, but we just speak very gently. So now is the time, we whisper. To calm the intensity of surges, and to also prepare for Kairav’s arrival. We want Kairav to enter a world very similar to the womb…quiet (well, most of the time) and dim. We want Kairav’s transition to be gentle. Life is tough, especially when you are a little person.

Midwife returns at 6.00 pm. Tina has been surging for about 13 hours now. Intensity picks up, and duration between surges decreases. Labour is progressing. Blood pressures are checked. Fetal Heart rate is checked. All is first class – chak-a-chak. Kairav is barrelling down.

We discuss and determine it is time to break out the kiddie pool. I lay cushiony cloths on the floor, followed by a rubber mat which will protect the cushions from being stained by the colours of life giving fluids. I inflate the pool, we are good to go. Now the Water. The water. We discussed water a lot. This was Tina’s only road-block to a home birth. The amount of water it would take to fill up the kiddie pool. In a country suffering from a drought, was it appropriate to use so much water for one person? This is one of the many things I love about Tina. She believes that loving your neighbour is not limited to being nice to them, but extends to realizing that every decision you make, every way in which you use resources affects your neighbour. The types of things we buy (plastic versus natural material), the types of trash we generate, and the way we use natural resources – it all has a very DIRECT impact on our neighbor – near and far. After much discussion, we determine that, given the limited number of times this event will come, it is responsible to use water for a home birth.

The filling starts. Lots of tap water with buckets of hot water. At 7 pm the door bell rings. Who in the world could that be? The second midwife (she had arrive around 6.30 pm) opens the door…she hands me a piece of paper. A society notice…it reads: “Due to drought conditions throughout Maharashtra, the BMC will be limiting water supply to the city. Water Cut will be in effect from 11 pm – 6.00 am, starting today.” Wow. Bombay, you never cease to amaze me. Had the water cut been one day before, or Kairav, one day later, the whole plan would have fallen apart. Thank you God again for delighting in every detail of our lives, way beyond what we can imagine.

By 8 pm the pool is full. Temperature is set. Surges are getting stronger. Tina is moaning louder. She gets into the pool….Ahhhhh…. it feels good she says. We go through a number of surges in the pool. Midwives check fetal heart rate again…they have to place the monitor lower to catch the heart. Kairav is moving down. One of the midwives presses on Tina’s back while I am getting some more hot water for the pool. Tina loves the back press from the midwife so we switch jobs for a while. I pour water on Tina’s back while the midwife puts good pressure on Tina’s lower back. She would do this for the next 3 hours, for every surge. How she managed I have no idea – exhausting!

The pot does the job of giving Tina some much needed rest. Now time for a new position with the midwives around (only Tina and I could fit in our bathroom). We move to the bedroom. Tina is on the bed, on all fours. Her water bag bursts while I am in the kitchen managing water – I was storing up water for the evening because I knew that after 11 pm we would not have any water – and if it was not planned now, we would have a problem. The bag breaks, and falls onto an incontinence pad we had placed on the bed. Just a few months before my grandma had given us the incontinence pads – which she had bought for my grandfather who was dying and whose body could not control his motions. The reusable pads initially intended to be used for someone leaving life now became part of the journey of new life. And fit beautifully in with Tina’s values of using resources as responsibly as possible, even and especially in the little things.

The bag breaks. Surges intensify further. Tina starts saying she can’t go on. I whisper that she can, and that she will be seeing Monksky soon (our nickname for Kairav). Tina feels down to see if she can feel the head – no such success, and she starts become discouraged. Nothing is happening (so she felt). What to do? She wants to go back into the pool. She gets back in. Surges intensify. It is now time for transition. The stage in labour where women are convinced they CANNOT do it. Tina says it at least 5 times. The midwives say “but you ARE doing it.” And they are right. Kairav is moving down. Further and further. The midwives recommend that Tina transitions from breathing with the surges to pushing with the surges. Tina would later tell me that, during this stage of pushing, she felt as if her whole body would be split in two. It is a feeling of absolute vulnerability. Tina knows there is no choice but to push on. She puts her head down and pushes surge after surge. There appears to be no progress. Tina screams with each surge.

Then, at 11.50, the midwife says “Oh my, there’s your baby!” The head and an arm is out. This was the hiccup. Kairav was not content on just bringing his head out first and then shoulders and then lower body…Kai Kai wanted to wave to everyone simultaneously, so just decided to make it a little bit more complicated for Mama – arm and head coming out together! By this stage, Tina knows she and Kairav are almost there. During the last bit of surges I remember thinking to myself that birth is a mysterious and powerful experience. There has to be a special bond which is forged, perhaps in the unseen places (spiritual?), between two people when they go through such an experience together.

At 11.54pm Kairav Stephens comes fully out and is quickly grasped by Mama, Tina Nandi Stephens, and held in her arms. The lights are very low, and we whisper to Kairav. He is exploring his new surroundings – what a world it is. It is silent. It is dark. Is this Bombay? Really? So peaceful? So quiet?

I would hold Kairav shortly thereafter (after I cut the cord – which was done after it stopped pulsating). He would take the opportunity to plaster my boxers and my stomach with Meconium, the first poop – a black tar like substance which is really really difficult to clean!

One of the midwives would sleep on our living room floor after all the day’s events (actually, under the same spot where Kairav was born), and spend the morning with us – checking vitals, guiding on feeding, and most importantly, just being present to love and support as needed.

This morning the cook came again …….. she was a bit stunned. What?!?! How?!?! The Doctor let you out of the hospital so fast?….oh golly, where do we begin…. with chicken curry of course……..(and whatever happens, do NOT tell the cook that the bag of frozen something in the freezer is the placenta – there is a good chance she may not come back!)

The water supply of Bombay teaches us the limitations of mechanical solutions made by finite men. Birth itself is a solution of infinite capabilities, not the problem. May we all learn to encourage women to seek and discover this truth.

Glossary:

Homebirth: a birth that takes place at home.

Kairav: boy’s name meaning “born of water.”

Surge: another name for a contraction – does not have a negative connotation as some women find the word “contraction” to have.

About the family:

Tina Nandi Stephens is a full-time Mama. She is also a photographer www.borninbombay.org and www.tinanandi.com . In addition to taking care of Kairav and her husband, she is also working with Birth India (www.birthindia.org) to help plan the Human Rights In Childbirth Conference, to be held in Mumbai in February 2017.

Robert Stephens is a Principal at RMA Architects (www.RMAarchitects.com) He recently started an instagram account to document his collection of aerial photography and archival books of Indian cities – you can follow him @UrbsIndis.

Kairav Stephens is a full time baby. He and his family are based in Bombay.

Mumbai Midwife has been active in Bombay since 2007. They are leaving Mumbai this July 2016, but hope to be back in due time. You can followup them on Twitter and Facebook:

Our supporting obstetrician was available to serve us should the need for her skill set arise. This is a unique setup of Midwives and Obstetrician partnering together – it would be wonderful to see such a collaboration happen systematically throughout India (and why not the world as well). Perhaps one day…